


Some People Don't Just Toe The Line Of Complete And Utter Destruction- They Play Jump Rope With It

by DontOffendTheBees



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 17:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10813287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontOffendTheBees/pseuds/DontOffendTheBees
Summary: 'If there was one thing Todd had learned in his time at the agency, it was that disaster followed Dirk Gently like a shadow. The guy didn’t just court danger, he downright seduced it.But Todd had been a little surprised to realise that Dirk was just as likely to meet his untimely end while making his morning tea as he was at the hands of cultists with crossbows. Possibly more so, actually. After all, cultists with crossbows made up a significantly smaller portion of their daily lives. Although not as significant as one would hope…'In which death has many near-Dirk experiences, and it's stressing Todd the eff out.





	Some People Don't Just Toe The Line Of Complete And Utter Destruction- They Play Jump Rope With It

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooo I’m super sad and tired and ill so I decided to take my mind off it with some Brotzly. As you do. (Although it’s more of a pre-slash, you-guys-are-obviously-in-love-and-you’re-just-too-emotionally-inept-to-handle-it deal, but it sure ain’t fuckin platonic.)
> 
> This is a little bitty and jumpy, it’s kind of a collection of times Todd’s saved Dirk’s clumsy/unlucky ass in their time with the agency, but I didn’t really have the attention span today to work on my Big Bang or anything more coherent. It should be funny, anyway. I sure hope so.
> 
> Enjoy! <3

If there was one thing Todd had learned in his time at the agency, it was that disaster followed Dirk Gently like a shadow. The guy didn’t just court danger, he downright seduced it.

But Todd had been a _little_ surprised to realise that Dirk was just as likely to meet his untimely end while making his morning tea as he was at the hands of cultists with crossbows. Possibly more so, actually. After all, cultists with crossbows made up a significantly _smaller_ portion of their daily lives. Although not as significant as one would hope…

“Woah!” Todd exclaimed, grabbing the chair just as it was about to tip over.

Dirk wobbled precariously on top of it a moment before he found his feet. He grinned down at Todd, sliding the file back into its spot on top of the tall cabinet. “Ah! Excellent assisting, Todd.”

“You’ve really gotta be more careful,” Todd chastised, keeping hold of the chair as Dirk climbed down. “I’ve spent too long saving your neck to watch you break it falling off a chair.”

“Pfft,” Dirk reached out and gave Todd’s shoulder a playful prod. “You worry too much.”

Todd rolled his eyes, shoved Dirk back, and didn’t mention that there wasn’t enough worry in the _world_ to cover being Dirk Gently’s best friend.

* * *

 

“Do we have any food in here?”

“Uh, dunno. I haven’t bought any groceries,” Todd called, not looking up from his photographs. He’d spent so long scouring them for one particular van, he’d started seeing number plates on his retinas whenever he closed his eyes. “Let’s just order pizza.”

“Oh, never mind! Found something!”

“Cool,” Todd mumbled, not thinking much more of it.

Until he heard Dirk’s voice a minute later. “Urgh. You get this from that place round the corner? It’s really gone downhill…”

Todd frowned. He hadn’t been to that particular Mexican for about a week. More like two, actually. Not since he bought that enchilada to celebrate closing that case with the fluorescent moths. And he hadn’t even finished it-

He sprang up from his chair, bolting for the kitchenette-slash-break room and literally smacking the wrap out of Dirk’s hand. “Jesus, Dirk, that’s like three weeks old! Please tell me you didn’t actually-?”

Dirk looked embarrassed. “…Only a couple of bites.”

Todd put his hands on his hips. “Did you not stop to think that-? You know what, never mind- go throw up. Before you get the worst food poisoning ever and maybe die.”

“Drama queen,” Dirk huffed, already on his way to the bathroom.

Todd sighed, and got out his phone to ring the pizza place. Honestly, he had to do _everything_ around here.

* * *

 

“Did we-?” Todd huffed, catching his breath. “Did we lose him?”

“I think so,” Dirk said, not doing much better than Todd for the run, doubled over as he gasped for oxygen.

Todd looked around. They’d been around the building, through corridors and up too many stairs to count, and they’d fetched up on the roof just like Todd had planned. They only had one guy after them, and he couldn’t cover the main stairs as well as the fire escape. Still, they were wide open out here. Better get moving before-

_Crash!_

The fire door. Todd was already spinning round and running, grabbing Dirk by the sleeve and yanking him along out of instinct. A whistle cut through the air. A dart buried itself in the chimney stack right behind where Dirk’s neck was a split second ago. Todd didn’t have an awful lot of time to think about how he’d just saved the asshole’s life again. “Fire escape!”

Dirk didn’t argue.

* * *

 

“-I mean, the second film has its merits, and there’s individual dance numbers across the series that are worth watching, but really the first one is the only one worth seeing as a film in its entirety. It’s a classic!”

“How do you even _know_ so much about the Step Up movies?” Todd asked, clinging onto the handle above the car door for dear life. How’d Dirk get him to agree to take shotgun again? Every single time he swore he’d never let the man behind the wheel again…

“Well, I could hardly abandon the series once I’d started,” Dirk said, taking another alarming left turn. “And Chandler Tanning is _fantastic-_ those dance moves! Honestly, you’ll see him in a whole new light. Although, he had some rather _compelling_ routines in that Magic Mickey film, too…”

 _“Dirk, red light!”_ Todd screeched. Too late. Dirk, distracted, powered right through it. It was up to Todd to reach over and grab the wheel, swerving them out of the way of a fast oncoming Rolls Royce.

He tuned out the sound of the angry driver’s horn blaring as he navigated them to the side of the road, nudging Dirk to take his foot off the accelerator and putting on the handbrake. He flopped back in his seat with a heavy groan, heart racing.

Dirk grimaced, shamefaced. “…Alright, maybe you should drive.”

“ _You think?!”_

* * *

 

“Dirk.”

“I just-“

“No.”

“Just a-?”

_“No.”_

“It might be important!”

“Dirk, please, for the love of God, _DON’T. TOUCH. THE BIG RED BUTTON.”_

* * *

 

“We any closer to-?”

“Nope,” Farah said, hands on hips as she glared at the sofa. “It’s stuck, alright.”

“Who even _put_ it here?” Todd asked, bewildered. None of them had any idea where the couch had come from, but it was lodged in the stairs at such an impossible angle it was as if reality was bending around it. Which, to be fair, it could have been- it was outside _their_ office, after all. They always attracted the weird stuff.

Dirk popped out of the office behind them, smiling and patting Todd’s shoulder on the way past. “Off to the shop- need to read my horoscope. Anyone want anything?”

“You read horoscopes?” Farah asked, sounding amused.

“No. But I’ve got a feeling about this one!” Dirk said. He prodded the couch, shrugged, and began the slow process of clambering over it. “Back in a mo!”

“Dirk, be careful-“ Todd began.

“Oh, honestly, Todd,” Dirk huffed, wiggling his body through the narrow gap. “You need to have a little more faith in-“ his foot slipped, his hands scrambled for purchase, and suddenly he was going over. _“Bloody-!”_

Todd launched himself forward, catching Dirk’s arm right before it slipped out of reach. He felt Farah come up behind him and grab his waist to anchor them both. He grunted and pulled, giving Dirk enough leverage to find his feet on the stairs at the other side.

“Oof! _That_ was close!” Dirk said with a self-conscious laugh, brushing himself off.

Todd and Farah glowered through the gap.

Dirk pouted. “See, maybe if I’d read my _horoscope_ , I would have seen that coming.”

* * *

 

“Todd, please, I’ve learned my lesson, why do I have to-“

“Please! Just, say it _one_ more time. For me.”

“…Fine.”

“Okay. Good. Now, where are the three places you should absolutely _never_ put forks?”

“Plug sockets. Microwaves.”

“…And?”

“…Toasters.”

“Great. Thank you.”

“But if you have a _better_ way of getting the bread out when it gets stuck at the bottom, I’d _love_ to hear it.”

* * *

 

“Todd?”

“Hm?”

“Did you order something?”

Todd frowned, glancing up from his phone (which he absolutely _wasn’t_ playing Angry Birds on out of boredom). “No. Why?”

Dirk was hunched over his desk, peering at a box wrapped in brown paper. “Found this on our doorstep, addressed to the agency…”

Todd got up and wandered over, frowning at the scrawl on the label that looked like it had been done by an angry twelve year old. “No return address?”

“No,” Dirk said, bending down and pressing his ear to the top. “Are you _sure_ you didn’t order something? A piece of homeware, for example?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Really? Not even a clock, or… other ticking thing?”

Todd paled. He reached out and ripped the paper from the box, popping open the cardboard lid and finding-

 _“Shit!”_ Dirk exclaimed as the numbers came into view.

**00:05**

“Todd, what do we do?” he babbled, jumping up from his chair.

**00:04**

“Uhhhh,” Todd was drawing a blank. A fucking _blank._

**00:03**

_“Where’s Farah when you need her?”_ Dirk screeched.

**00:02**

Todd snatched up the box, threw open the window, and hurled it across the street.

**00:01**

He spun round, pitched himself forward, tackling Dirk to the floor.

**_BOOM!_ **

The noise was deafening, the heat clawing against his back. Even through closed eyelids he could see the flash of orange as the flames erupted. Close by, terrifyingly close.

But not quite close enough.

It took a moment for Todd to adjust to the ringing in his ears. He sat up slowly, blearily, dragging his head from Dirk’s chest to peer through the window. He collapsed again in relief when he realised the wall, the building across the road and the cars in the street were completely intact- the bomb must have been way up in the air when it detonated, small blast radius. They were okay. Dirk was okay- the heartbeat under his ear proved it.

“Well,” Dirk said, blinking rather rapidly. “I think… we might have just found a new case.”

* * *

 

Life at the agency wore on in much the same way for the first four months or so. Todd found himself saving Dirk from a near-death experience (both the bizarre kind, and the embarrassingly mundane) at least three times a week.

In the last month alone he had pulled Dirk out of the way of knives, bullets, and even more poison darts (were they the new serial killing fad or something?). He’d stopped him walking headlong into trains at the level crossing, he’d extinguished him when his jacket caught on fire (he’d been more upset about the jacket than his own near demise, it seemed). He’d helped him fight off a flock of angry chickens that were apparently out for his blood- how he managed to piss them off so much, Todd didn’t even want to know. He’d steered him clear of hornets’ nests, angry dogs, and even an honest to God _falling piano_. Yeah. No shit.

It was starting to fray him at the edges just a little bit. Also he looked in the mirror that morning, and he was pretty fucking sure he saw a grey hair. Clearly Dirk’s cavalier attitude to his own personal safety was going to drive them _both_ to an early grave.

On the plus side, he’d now saved the idiot’s life so many times that he could practically do it on automatic.

He didn’t even clock the danger that day, didn’t immediately register the car speeding along or Dirk’s slightly too eager first step into the road. All he really registered was the sudden idea that he should really stop Dirk going any further. So he did- he reached out a hand, hooking two fingers through Dirk’s belt loop and tugging, causing the detective to stumble back a step in surprise.

Right as the car which Todd had only just noticed tore across where he’d been standing.

They both froze, staring blankly ahead. Dirk glanced down to Todd’s fingers, still clinging to him, and blushed just slightly. “Ah. Silly me. Wasn’t looking where I was going…”

“When do you _ever_ look where you’re going,” Todd muttered, withdrawing his hand with a slight blush of his own. He really hoped Dirk didn’t notice.

It might not have been the blush, but Dirk definitely noticed something. He frowned, cocking his head a little to the side. “Todd? Everything alright?”

“I’m just…” Todd sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Honestly, I’m really starting to worry that the universe has you on its hit-list. The amount of times I’ve had to save your ass since we started working together is, frankly, _stupefying,_ ” he shook his head. “I know I’ve asked this before, but… seriously, _how_ have you survived this long?”

“Luck, mostly, I imagine,” Dirk said, giving Todd a little smile. “And an uncanny ability to latch onto people who know what they’re doing.”

Todd blinked. “Is that… is that supposed to be _me?_ Dirk, I haven’t known what the hell I’m doing since the day I met you.”

“Not in the grand scheme of things, perhaps,” Dirk shrugged. “But you can think on your feet, and you’ll throw yourself into just about _anything_ if you think it’s the right thing to do. You’re very brave. Courage is as good as, if not _better_ than direction, don’t you think?”

Todd could feel that embarrassing blush creeping back. He turned his face downwards so Dirk couldn’t see. “Well… no offense, but courage can only save your stupid ass so many times.”

“Don’t worry, Todd,” Dirk said, patting his shoulder. “The universe doesn’t have it in for me. I think it likes me right where I am.”

“Oh yeah? How’d you figure?”

Dirk rolled his eyes, as if Todd was missing something glaringly obvious. It was a pretty common look on him- and one that still made Todd want to sock him in the jaw sometimes. “Well, if it wanted me to fall, it wouldn’t keep putting _you_ there to catch me, would it?”

Todd opened his mouth to protest.

But to be honest, he couldn’t argue with that.

Dirk smiled a little self-satisfied smirk, and stepped out into the road again.

Todd grabbed his hand and yanked him back lighting fast just as another car raced by.

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose while Dirk stood there and looked sheepish.

“Just… look both ways now and then, okay?”

“Whatever keeps you sane.”

Todd kept a hold of Dirk’s hand as they crossed the road all the same.

And then a few blocks after. Just to be safe.

**Author's Note:**

> There it is, a bit of incoherent silliness for ya. Hope you had a giggle <3


End file.
